Pandemic Paradox
Countless times I was consumed by grief over the family moments we lost early on during ground zero and the aftershocks. When reflecting on the decision to take a leave of absence from teaching, I frequently cited my desire to recreate those family moments. The ones that I perceived to have been robbed from us, only to discover that there would be other medical emergencies. For the past four and a half years I have been praying for this moment. I have prayed for the world to stop and for my family to get a second chance at "being a family."
It is like a bizarre episode of "I Dream of Jeannie" meets "The Twilight Zone." I got my wish granted. It is the first time in four and a half years that our lives are not spiraling out control. There isn't one medical emergency going on in our lives and usually we have several going on concurrently.
No, this whole thing is not quite as I expected. As the free world seems to be collapsing, slowing to a turtle's pace, Charlie has begun to gain ground, picking up speed. I am not a doctor, or scientist, but in my educated opinion this is the essence of the pandemic paradox. Jarring contradictions are glaringly juxtaposed to create microscopic paradises.
Have you ever wished, dreamed, prayed for something only to have it come true? No, I didn't pray for a pandemic. I don't want people to die. Social distancing with my children all the time is EXTREMELY emotionally and physically overwhelming. But there is this part of me that sees this tiny glimmer of radiant hope buried underneath all of the anxiety from being held captive in my home. What if while the world is practicing social distancing my son is able to gain ground? What if being in a stable home, not being ravaged by medical emergencies that is being guided by exhausted, overworked parents was what he needed the whole time? What if it is what both my kids have needed this whole time?
No, this is not exactly what I prayed for. This pandemic isn't going to remedy Charlie's disabilities and it poses a whole new set of challenges to championing Charlie. Yet, I can't help but feel it is a second chance. A second chance to foster sibling connections between my kids. A second chance for my husband to bond with his son instead of making medical decisions for his dying parents.
Yes, this time is so important. I hate to think that someday Rich and I won't be there to take care of Charlie. So my family, we grind, we grieve and we hang on to hope because we have no other option. Around the unraveling edges of all this ugliness I see a girl that is finally getting to play with the little brother she always wanted. I see a father getting to take coffee breaks with his son. I see a mother whose prayers have been answered. In this family, during this pandemic filled full of paradox, I see paradise.
It is like a bizarre episode of "I Dream of Jeannie" meets "The Twilight Zone." I got my wish granted. It is the first time in four and a half years that our lives are not spiraling out control. There isn't one medical emergency going on in our lives and usually we have several going on concurrently.
No, this whole thing is not quite as I expected. As the free world seems to be collapsing, slowing to a turtle's pace, Charlie has begun to gain ground, picking up speed. I am not a doctor, or scientist, but in my educated opinion this is the essence of the pandemic paradox. Jarring contradictions are glaringly juxtaposed to create microscopic paradises.
Have you ever wished, dreamed, prayed for something only to have it come true? No, I didn't pray for a pandemic. I don't want people to die. Social distancing with my children all the time is EXTREMELY emotionally and physically overwhelming. But there is this part of me that sees this tiny glimmer of radiant hope buried underneath all of the anxiety from being held captive in my home. What if while the world is practicing social distancing my son is able to gain ground? What if being in a stable home, not being ravaged by medical emergencies that is being guided by exhausted, overworked parents was what he needed the whole time? What if it is what both my kids have needed this whole time?
No, this is not exactly what I prayed for. This pandemic isn't going to remedy Charlie's disabilities and it poses a whole new set of challenges to championing Charlie. Yet, I can't help but feel it is a second chance. A second chance to foster sibling connections between my kids. A second chance for my husband to bond with his son instead of making medical decisions for his dying parents.Yes, this time is so important. I hate to think that someday Rich and I won't be there to take care of Charlie. So my family, we grind, we grieve and we hang on to hope because we have no other option. Around the unraveling edges of all this ugliness I see a girl that is finally getting to play with the little brother she always wanted. I see a father getting to take coffee breaks with his son. I see a mother whose prayers have been answered. In this family, during this pandemic filled full of paradox, I see paradise.
My name is Dustin. My mom's name is Wendy. I live less than an hour from El Paso, TX. How do you like those names in the context of a fast spreading respiratory disease?
ReplyDeleteI prayed for this pandemic. I did not pray for the outcomes. But here we are, with a lung disease and mental health now in the forefront of the conversation, not just for myself, but for everyone paying any attention.
My mother died from lung cancer that was for a long while nearly dormant, but which quietly and quickly moved to her brain. This needed to be identified ASAP in order to give her as many days on this Earth as possible (as she stated when confronted with the news, "I'm not ready"). Until she managed to find the place I was forced to move to thanks to this disgusting society's love for hate, she lived in confusion, fear and isolation, unable to speak or write, as her once fully-scheduled life began coming to an end. Even when I was around after having identified the fast progressing issue (identified it late, thanks to this hateful, selfish, gluttonous, uncaring, violent society), she still had to feel some level of isolation and fear. It was only a month prior that I had taken her to see the remake of Dumbo when it was released. The issue was not identifiable to me then, though it was to her, and she had planned on finding me to talk when she felt it was time. Again, this disgusting society helped a rapidly spreading disease kill my mother in short time by forcing us to "socially distance", if you'd like.
This society hastened her death, indeed. It did so, so blatantly, and in such a way, that it was clear to me I had overestimated this country's level of "passion" behind that "All Lives Matter" rhetoric it was spewing out.
I needed desperately to see a different side of society, on a wide scale. Only something that threatened a significant loss of life would do, and it would need to be technically preventable (at least the wide scale destruction) with simple steps that everyone could take to help protect their neighbors. It was a sort of like praying for humankind to be tested, with the expectation that it would at least give me more hope than I had in humanity. The result? I'm certainly no more hopeful now.
The only silver lining, for me, is that for anyone with a heart and mind to understand it, the truth of what their fellow human beings desire and strive for is clearly on display, to flush out any remaining naivety that may be holding them back from becoming part of the solution.